During my time in Las Vegas, albeit only a few short months I have had the pleasure of meeting a few people here and there, some of whom have actually worked at gentleman's clubs. They are cool chicks but this particular blog isn't about them, its about the other people whom I've conversed with at said establishments.
The other night I was at a fine gentleman's club here in fabulous Las Vegas (Penthouse) when one girl in particular came up to me. Now before I go any further it would be pertinent for the reader to know that I don't buy lap dances. They were great when I was in my teens and early early twenties because I mean, who doesn't love a naked girl on your lap at that age, but I've since progressed into the whole logic of the situation. That logic basically stipulates that there is absolutely no reason for me to ever get a lap dance again from anyone in a strip club atmosphere. None, zero, zilch. I have found that I am perfectly capable of giving myself a hard-on at any time that I want it, and it doesn't cost me anything except a little mental imagery I conjure up for free. And I mean come on, who can give me some good old fashioned rigor mortis in the trousers better than myself? I already know what I like.
This being said I met a fella there named "Clyde" (remember I change all names in my blogs to protect whomever, in this case a returning soldier from Iraq) and he was someone who just started shooting the shit with me because we were drinking. I drank Jack and coke as did he, instant conversation piece. He went on to purchase me shots from a waitress who did cool things to receive tips from patrons. This was of course, free because it was on his dime. For whatever reason, people enjoy watching me poor alcohol into my face. Who am I to say no? As we conversed he told me he was there with another friend who was a promoter for one of the girls there and the two of them traveled all over the place to get her work. He told me that in exchange for the massive amounts of alcohol he purchased that all he wanted was for me to buy a lap dance with her later. I didn't even know what she looked like but I agreed to the pointless practice because he bought me lots of stuff to intoxicate myself.
A short while thereafter she approached the table. They all went into how they've known each other since they were kids, how she was a soccer mom to two boys, and how she did this to make money after her divorce. The story itself was pretty uninteresting but I will say that for a mother of two she looked phenomenal. It was then that I butted in with some anti-climatic conversation.
Dom- "Your friend Clyde has been purchasing me a lot of alcohol this evening and has refused me purchasing him any for himself. Instead, he just stated that he would like for me to buy a lap dance from you, which I agreed to even though I think such things are stupid and serve no purpose."
Stripper- "Well, I don't really do just one lap dance. I'll give you 5 songs for $100 and I guarantee you'll walk away hard."
Dom- "That's fine and dandy but I don't need to walk away hard, I'm basically just telling you that I'm giving you a basically free $20 because your friend is really cool and buys me things."
Stripper- "Well I guarantee it will be the best $100 you ever spent."
It was at this time that I was reminded of how well I've actually spent a $100 in my lifetime. One of those times was back in 1998 or 99 when I bought like $100 worth of Google shares when it was still up and coming and turned that money into almost $8000 a few years later. I told her about this particular situation and she didn't have much to say, however I kept pressing the issue because I was curious.
Dom- "So you're telling me that about 3 minutes of your time isn't worth $20, that you're somehow above that? That in some divine stripper hierarchy you and Andrew Jackson here have parted ways and that the two of you now despise one another? Perhaps its your marketing. Telling me that I'm guaranteed to walk away hard probably only instills excitement in dolts and men who's balls haven't dropped yet. A lap dance serves absolutely no purpose to me hun. You rub on my pants, exchange pleasantries with me, tell me I'm cute and we go about our merry way. I've always walked away the same as I did when I went in. If I was going to give money to a girl for what we're referring to here as "for a good time" I would just give my money to a full-fledged call girl. You see, at least a call girl puts out if I give her money. If I were to give you money, which you apparently don't even want, you just rub on me and I walk away like a jack ass with less money in my pocket. What's the purpose? What's the point? Can you see it from my perspective? There's lots of 40 year old married guys in here who I suppose don't want to cross the line of actually nailing another woman so they do what seems right by getting lap dances from the talent here, however I'm not married nor do I have to purchase affection from women. I have superpowers in that regard. Truth be told, I'm just really awestruck that you are actually just too PROUD to take a $20 bill as a nice gesture because your friend was cool to me and bought me stupid amounts of alcohol because I'm awesome. With two children I would imagine you can use this to buy them some fruity pebbles or some cocoa puffs, but instead you scoff at it like it is beneath you putting into your little glittery stripper purse."
Stripper- "You make a lot of sense, even as intoxicated as you are, but yeah I guess you hit the nail on the head. I only go after $100 sales in here, nothing less."
Dom- "Well then, you just saved me $20 of money that wouldn't have done shit for me anyway. Sorry Clyde, I tried."
But fellas and even ladies, have you ever thought about how pointless and mundane a lap dance is? Seriously. In my youth I use to buy and enjoy these things like retards enjoy mountain dew, but since I've grown I've found that they really serve absolutely no purpose. Since I've come to this realization it blows my mind that men my age and older still purchase them. This certainly isn't to say that the chicks they purchase them from aren't highly attractive women, but what are you getting for your money? Seriously? Nothing! It's just a game, and in this instance the girl is spitting game to us for once, which is nice I suppose, but still serves no purpose. It's a hustle and an upsell and the return on your investment is absolutely nothing. In the financial world we call this a depreciating asset. The longer you stay in that room with said female, the less money your making on your "investment" as a whole. It kind of works like a stock option where your contract starts to initially lose its earning potential with each passing day. In this case, its each passing minute or song, however the club regulates it. It's a fool's paradise and primarily for males who lack any self-esteem and who have a hard time meeting women in general. Instead they go to a strip club and buy the affection of women sitting on their laps, pretending to give a shit about them being down on their luck, and lending a sympathetic ear. It doesn't bother me, its all game, pimpin'.
But if anyone was ever curious as to why Dom doesn't purchase such trivial things like lapdances, this is why. If you don't want to admit the obvious like the fact that you're getting pimped, that's fine, if it helps you sleep better at night, so be it. I however choose to walk a different road. When my father passed a few years back, I had enough money to go partners with someone on a gentleman's club. I already had it planned out, what it would entail, what the club would consist of (ask my friends, it was all I talked about for six months) and where it would be. I studied the industry like I was taking the bar exam. I knew exactly what should be coming out in expenses and how much revenue I should be making to make it a profitable venture. I learned everything about the industry especially the hustle games that the girls (and guys, depending on where you are) did to not only get their money but to of course pay homage to the club as well. I can never walk into a strip club and not understand what's going on and how things work. The only reason I never went through with this venture is that its a shady industry with shady people and I didn't trust the other parties involved.
Be that as it may, these are the reasons why I don't purchase such things. I think I probably have pissed off a lot of girls in the past when I tell them no and they go scurrying away angry and upset with me, but I think they're probably just irritated that I'm not a player in their game. I already know the game and was going to invest in it heavily, so don't fight the feelin' ladies, I'm on your side. I'm just not going to be contributing to your lifestyle, I'd rather own it in full.
