Should You Kill Yourself

Debating on killing yourself? Well I happen to be an expert at figuring out if you should end your existence (I gave myself a doctorate and everything.) Take my quiz to see if razor blades need to be purchased during your next jaunt to the store.

I will reward you at the end with what caliber human you are with the "five-star" approach: Five stars are great; one star means you really need to eat a bullet. Also, I wouldn't leave any fields blank, as that will count as a "wrong" answer.

Thanks to Damian and Christine for assisting me with question ideas.

And now . . . good luck and don't lie like the piece of shit you probably are.

Do you have 4 or more pets, including cats, birds, gerbils, iguanas, etc...? (Fish tanks do not apply)	Yes No
Do you spend over $100 a month for illegal drugs?	Yes No
Does your cell phone contact list consist mostly of: A. Escorts. B. Aliases (stage names.) C. Business contacts. D. Family and friends.	A B C D
Are you a Mexican residing within the USA without proper permits?	Yes No
Have your parents ever transformed a large tractor tire into a sandbox?	Yes No
When I say “Godsmack” do you automatically think, A. “Rock on!” or B. “That’s blasphemy, you bastard!”	A B
Do you typically carry less than $20 on you?	Yes No
Adding it all up, have you accrued more than $200 throughout your life for exposing your naked body in a public place?	Yes No
When you come to a 4-way stop intersection when there’s 4 cars stopped at the same time, do you: A. Go, then slow down and drive at 5 mph, checking over shoulder the entire time. B. Look at make-up in mirror. C. Determine which 2 paths go first. D. Just wait until the other 3 cars leave then go.	A B C D
Would you rather see a guy wearing Lacoste (the green alligator) or a chick sporting Baby Phat?	Lacoste Baby Phat
Ever had sex for money?	Yes No
Is it more likely that: A. Jesus died on the cross. B. Nicole died by the hands of OJ Simpson.	A B
Do you have homemade porn (pics or vids) on your phone with yourself and somebody else whose name escapes you?	Yes No
Have you been called “bipolar” by more than 3 people in your life?	Yes No
Yes or no: I carry a picture of my cat/dog and show it when my peers are showing baby pictures.	Yes No
Which more describes the method in which you handle bullshit in your life: A. Permanent solution for a temporary problem. B. Temporary solutions for permanent problems.	A B
Which came first the: A. Chicken. B. Egg.	A B
Are you using Apple/Macintosh right now?	Yes No
A genie pops out from your bottle (of vodka) but instead of 3 wishes, you get a choice: A. $1 million dollars in your hand. B. 100 million people know your name and face. Which one would you choose?	A B
Are you 25 years of age or older without a high school diploma/GED equivalent?	Yes No
During the afternoon of the next October 31st, many children will knock on your door. Will you: A. Become aroused. B. Become irritated but give candy. C. Continue drinking and ignore them all fucking day.	A B C
Are you White, but sometime during your high school years thought it was cool to act/talk Black and still practice this mentality today?	Yes No
“It burns when I pee.” A. Once, but I took care of it. B. Every once in a while, but it seems to go away. C. Since 1997. D. I’m going to lie and say “never.”	A B C D
Is it okay to go to the gas station with enough silver/copper to purchase exactly 1 gallon of gas?	Yes No
Do you have children by more than 2 members of the opposite sex?	Yes No
While at line at the grocery store, there are eight people behind you. Check the most applicable to yourself. A. Have money ready before cashier totals it up. B. Dig for change in a hidden pocket sewn into the lining of your homemade jean skirt until you find the 43 cents. C. Debate with cashier, bagger and those behind you about the necessity of plastic bags and explain, in detail, why you always bring your own. D. After the cashier a third of the way through your items, walk away from the line to do more shopping.	A B C D
A. Binge eating or B. binge drinking?	A B
Does a receptionist at any methadone clinic know your nickname or ever given you one?	Yes No
Have you spent a lot of free time researching how Magic Johnson is still alive?	Yes No
Do you live in Mississippi, Louisiana or Texas?	Yes No
Life's a bitch and then you die, so why not spend it: A. Getting high. B. Baking pie.	A B
Do you spend over $100 per month for prescribed medication?	Yes No
Say the President arrives at your door. Would you say: A. “I’m loving this boost in the economy.” B. “I’m hating how overseas commerce is continuously putting American workers out of jobs.” C: “KFC is a few blocks over.”	A B C
A. Blow-up dolls or B. blow up countries?	A B
Ever slept with Z.?	Yes No
Do you constantly find yourself defending your significant other to friends and family members?	Yes No
Do you go shopping after exhausting all possible coupon sections in the Sunday paper?	Yes No
Which sounds more appealing,: A. A ficticious pimp named Slickback. B. A real-life pimp named Jamal?	A B
Yes or no: I prefer to use credit cards because that’s the American way.	Yes No
When you walk into your favorite bar (or work) does the bartender begin to make your drink before speaking with you?	Yes No
When your phone rings, does it emit any sort of musical beat with lyrics?	Yes No
Let's say you are at a club and see a women dressed as a slut. She bends over to remove a lemon from the heel of her fuck-me pumps she'd accidentally stepped on. While bending over, a $20 bill falls on the floor without her noticing. Do you take the money for yourself and basically assume she can go make more by being the pig-whore she is?	Yes No
And finally, is ass to mouth ever okay?	Yes No

We could be mistaken, but I doubt it.

embittered@catharticlament.com

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