The sun isn't shining any brighter upon this broad, either since obesity is pandemic. Good Lord, two construction workers are likely called in to bathe this wildebeest with rudimentary tools such as pool cues and a soaped-up hammock. This bitch eats a can of Spam while on a smoke break.
You get the point, which brings me to mine: don't fuck with a bitch who's the furthest thing from a contortionist. I found the funniest shit on
Craigslist and felt compelled to post it here since it would be forever lost on there, and I'm glad it can live here forever, as this is so the reason I wake up happy on some days:
To the Female Hambeast on The 111
It was around 5:30, I was sitting a few rows back from the front of the bus as I saw your rather rotund figure lumber onto the bus. If I remember correctly you were wearing a gray down filled blanket...wait maybe it was a coat, there was a lot of fabric being used it was hard to tell. The whole time you were speaking on your cell phone to someone...rather loudly...something about how she didn't need a man in her life...and alluding to how you were doing fine. It was a rather chilly night, I mention that because I found it odd that you were perspiring quite profusely as you sat on 2 of the 3 priority seats forcing an elderly woman with a cane to stand on the rather crowded bus. Lets set the record straight just in case you`re unaware, too many Baconators is not a disability.
As you sat there I watch this elderly woman sway and barely keep her balance as you continued to talk and snort into your phone. Across from you sat another elderly woman, with a small child in a stroller (I am assuming she is the child's grandmother. )
As this woman's stop approached she got up and stood ready to leave the bus, stroller in tow. Apparently this was your stop too. I'm assuming that you were dividing your attention between the phone call and thought of how many delicious chicken fingers you would eat when you got to your hovel, because you were clearly oblivious to this woman. As the bus approached a red light, a few meters from the stop you, in a sudden burst of speed like I had never seen from someone of your girth, got up and pushed past the stroller and the elderly woman, knocking her against the wheel well. You didn't fit but you also didn't say excuse me as you attempted to force your heaving mass through the 2 foot wide space. Not even stopping to wonder why you were stuck ( I assume this is because it happens often) you continued to push. The back back, which had barely been secure on your shoulders swung off and smacked the small child (no older than 18 months) in the head as you managed to get unstuck an that extra foot ahead of this woman who gave me a look of desperation, alas I could do nothing.
Now, the small child, who had been asleep the whole ride, was suddenly awaken by a smack on the head. This of course cause the child discomfort and it began to cry. The woman, in no position to ease the soothing did her best with "shhhh's " and "no, no it's ok..." to stop or quell the crying. Apparently this was too much for you to take as you turned around. I was hoping you weren't going to do it. A part of me knew you would, but the other part of me still had hope, a hope shattered as you opened your crumb garnished mouth:
"Excuse me I'm on the phone. could you please control your child and get her it to stop crying. It's very rude to the other passengers."
Now, I don't and never have hit a women, ever. Let me just say, had I been in a position to you definitely would have been the first. You should be ashamed of yourself.
