I'd heard some pretty foul shit about this seemingly morally-intact chick I mildly know. I didn't think she was a slutty cum mop like the rest, but after a few stories entered my ears about her behavior, I thought to myself, "Jesus fucking Christ. Everyone thinks this chick is so innocent and sweet and really she's just a filthy pig like the rest. Now I'd pay 50 bucks to see her mouth-raped by a donkey." It was with that train of thought that led me to thinking about more popular people on this planet, all of whom for whatever reason have the rest of you dipshits fooled into believing they're something worth admiring.
"People = Shit."
How can one argue with that logic.
MARY J BLIGE
Waaaay before South Park finally said Kanye West sucks fish dicks, I was denying any broad who requested shit off
Heartbreaks and 808s, and it wasn't because he snorts granulated crack rock up his huge nostrils like Mary J, it was just because Kanye West kinda sucks ass. I only mention this because Kanye did a veeeeeery shitty song with Mary J. Blige and I like to make note of that mother fucking catastrophe.
Still, Mary J. has been with us through R&B and the hardships that genre has brought us. Many people will label her as the "Queen of Hip-Hop," or is it "Queen of R&B?" I forget. Nonetheless, unlike many people out there, you might forget when she was labeled "Queen of Cocaine Lines Off The Fucking Toilet Seat."
See, I don't forget shit like that. That's not to say her music hasn't touched millions, but to people like me, all I prefer to remember are the times she was cracked out of her fucking mind, begging for someone to withdraw her from her own pool of vomit, yet on BET she's giving advice to the Black youths of this fine, fine country.
Mary J. Blige is the type of rich, Black female who passes a new bottle of aspirin to someone else because she believes if her fingertips ever touch cotton, she will have a nervous breakdown. She puts 4lbs of cocaine in a pillowcase then has a pillow fight with herself . . . on Sundays.
ABE
Abraham Lincoln was born on who the fuck cares, as the relevant point I'm trying to make is what's been promulgated the day after his death, which was April 15, 1865. History class in elementary school will teach the youngsters of this country that Abe was an Illinois state legislator, the 16th president of the United States, advocated republican beliefs and he "freed" the slaves.
Well, all that shit is a really sweeter than a slice of Key lime pie and rosier than my balls at 2-hours old, only those edited and glorifying books left out a few important facts about this founding forefather cocksucker, such as:
Abraham Lincoln dirty-dicked women.
We all know he didn't have the convenience of a fucking shower head or hot water, so therefore he only bathed three times a week. No matter the scarlet he jammed cum and long pubes into at noon, there were two more hussies awaiting his stinky penis come supper time every goddamn day. Sometimes he'd even put his dirty cock into another woman's mouth and she'd gobble it up none the wiser like the whore she was. A few were smarter, though.
They'd request he wash off the stench of pond water from his small shaft, and he'd always look her in the eye, focus upon her left cheek and whip it like a slave.
Abraham Lincoln had 5 kids, none of whom were female, which is likely why he was able to succeed.
But let us just say he did have a female offspring.
The girl of that group would've frequently whined about splinters and growing pains, which then would have effectuated into colossal crying fits because little girls have the exact same tolerance for pain as British hemophiliacs. With nothing but the crackling of a searing fireplace to drown out the noise, Abe would've often scorned his little girl verbally, but every so often he would've seen red thereafter grabbed the nearest broom handle, pulled down her trousers to expose an innocent, pink, little ass and whipped it like a slave.
As a form of relaxation for good ol' Abe, he would smoke marijuana fairly regularly. Cob pipes were very commonly passed throughout the many saloons he frequented while attempting to stay away from the 1 female at home driving him crazy. He and the boys would piss on haystacks, tip cows and smoke reefer after nailing $2.00 prostitutes then tip them a bit to dump the piss tin. Gradually Abraham finally escalated to a higher sense of euphoria by smoking opium, which awkwardly enough mellowed him rather than amplified the malarkey he was so known for pulling. As his body had become increasingly accustomed to his new preferred drug, Abe began intravenously shooting opium, which in return graduated him to nearly an addict state. It wasn't until mid-presidency he found himself standing over his stove with two fingers drawn with his right, repeatedly tapping a vein in his left arm, whipping it like a slave.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves . . . I feel it pertinent to remind everyone here that Abe had slaves and whipped them like a slave.
MICHAEL JACKSON
Allow me to tell you something about Michael Jackson that the media didn't tell you. He was beaten, bruised and battered as a child to sing Black ditties for the masses, ordered by his hierarchy of Negros, "The Jackson Family." In Harlem and such, they would be considered the Black royalty, similar to that of the way White people allow Kennedys to rape a Harvard student then pay her off without the press receiving a whiff.
Michael Jackson, driven to adulthood before he was ready, began sticking his thumbs into little girls' buttholes while they jerked him off. This became too commonplace at the age of 13 thereafter he slowly and gently began sliding his filthy, Black thumbs into boys of the same age because of how many young, dumb whores were throwing themselves at him simply for starring in the "Thriller" video. "Beat It" gave him more royalties in the ten-thousands than you and I could count on ten hands and shortly after came Never-Clever Land, or whatever the fuck it's called.
Now, there you have a single man who has a theme park in his back yard. Remember, this is one mortal man, despite how fine his sister is at this time, the entire world is looking at him wondering what he will do next. Well, naturally one wants to break precedence so he stops fucking 20 different females and instead of his thumb or tongue, rams his cock up some little boys' buttholes . . . because, why not?
40% of the country denies he did this, another 50 believes it, and the other 10 are still stuck on OJ for some reason.
If you think Michael Jackson wasn't a pedophile then you are the kid on the porch in
Deliverance.
I would go so far as to say those kids were lucky to have his augmented cock up their fragile wormholes and the parents of those children should be happy Michael had found them attractive enough. If you think about it, since the mother fucker could buy anything, he could have easily imported some Hungarian boys real cheap and raped them to death without anyone caring. He risked exposure by sodomizing some fine, young, American boys so I don't know what the fuck the parents were complaining about. I'm sure they took MJ's money for a quiet settlement without a problem, as they should have. Hell, it's what I would've done, except I might have approached it with a little more goal-orientated mentality, such as:
Let's say in 2004 I were the father of a 12 year-old and my little boy wanted to visit the roller coaster sex ranch by Jackson's request. I would sit that little bastard down and say, "Look, it's cost me about a hundred thousand dollars thus far to raise you, and you've kinda been a pain in my ass the entire time as well, so with pain and suffering, I'm gonna bump that up to you costing me two-hundred grand. Now, "Big Mike" wants to go down the slide with you, show you pictures in his tree house and whatnot, and if he wants to do the same shit with you just like he did to those kids back in ninety-three, just let him. One way or another, we all take it in the ass in life, kid, and your time has come . . . Hey! Don't give me that look. I'm teaching you responsibility here. We all have to pay our way in life and right now you have an opportunity to pay for the both of us. He'll settle out of court for at least eight million and after that we'll get you all the pills and therapy you can choke down. Don't fuck this up."
For real, as iconic as Michael Jackson was, I would feel honored he wanted to orgasm with my kid in the room. Realistically: 'MJ could drop his load on millions of other useless individuals, but he picked my personal creation? Awesome!'
Closest thing you and I would ever get to winning PowerBall, so cut the shit.
TED THE SLEDGE
Ted Bundy (Theodore Robert Cowell) was an American serial killer active between 1974 and 1978. After more than a decade of vigorous denials, he eventually confessed to over 30 murders of female youths across the United States. Typically, Bundy would bludgeon women, strangle and rape them conscious or otherwise while screaming in purified joy. On select times he would stab them in the tits, cut off their clitorises and even chomp a piece of fatty portion of the female body known to the general public as their brains. All in all, he mutilated pretty, young women into an image he'd had of them with no regard for law, consequence or afterlife because he believed that women were meant to be tortured and bled to death . . . but enough about the good. Let's focus upon the bad.
Bundy drove a Volkswagen Bug. Oh yeah . . . and it was yellow. Fucking gay.
BIG JC
I love the way Jesus Christ is personified by word of mouth and in the book that's stuffed into every hotel's nightstand in this country. He's the largest, most commonplace celebrity spanning our globe and I think it's bullshit that Santa gets more credit for "delivering" results since this mortal apparently pulled off some Criss Angel shit before video editing existed.
I thought it was fucking amazing a few troglodytes used stone and wood to create a sundial, then somehow spread the word worldwide that every country and continent follow a little something we all call "time." Then came an actual calendar and some people back then had to count to 365 a dozen times and document that shit in order for your bitch nowadays to grow wide-eyed because Sweetest Day is approaching . . . but Jesus was real magic.
He seemingly altered illness and saved lives, changed the weather, poked a stick at ghosts and gave Stephen King an idea for a popular novel revolving around adult kittens having a second chance.
Sacrifice - Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. He gave His life so that we (sinful beings) can spend an eternity in heaven with Him. He provided His life - the ultimate sacrifice of His life - as a free gift to all who will believe.
John 2:2 says, "He [Jesus] is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world."
Romans 12:1 says, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship."
Just outta fucking curiosity, I have to ask: how come that cop/Marine/Korean deli worker who sacrificed his life so an enemy wouldn't triumph, died and he only got a tombstone and not a global following? Is it because this one person supposedly sacrificed his own life for the well-being of all others? And if so, wasn't that 2000'ish years ago?
If this dude were so magical and whatnot, logic tells us that we would've gotten some sort of update by now called "reconfirmation." Steve Jobs has updated his belief more in two decades than Jesus has done in two millenniums, so I guess my point is: count how many people have iPods then multiply that number by one million and you'll have a good idea as to how many cozy evangelists we have out here welcoming brain cancer, all of whom are bronze-tipped douche bags.
STEVE IRWIN
In a gymnasium filled with infant gerbils, this guy was the only one against pro-choice. I can't believe the world soaked this crap up and somehow construed him practically humping every mammal and amphibian as entertainment.
This dude did nothing short of jizz because an ostrich took a shit on camera. It's fucking ridiculous.
He'd walk around the woods, find a snake and give it some tongue, then he'd find some rocks, pick up a fox and show us its butthole, incessantly use the word "mate" then end an episode with camera shots of crocodiles sleeping while he treaded water. Sometimes he'd play with bugs, show us a bird's nest, but then he'd break the monotony by visually suggesting he wanted to stick his dick into a kangaroo; relayed to the viewer by the passionate way he spoke about/to the specific animal and often playing grab-ass. It's like, it wasn't funny enough some monkey scratching its ass, but he had to add some enthusiastic commentary then graze its furry backside, which combined made it hilarious . . . to watch him.
I'm not really trying to discredit Irwin's work, but his approach to wildlife was inhuman. I'd say roughly 89% of animals are consumed by man on this continent or others, so while the rest of us were eating, this dude was performing a fucking verbal symphony on camera as to how awesome the creature was skilled at being lazy and looking stupid.
Holy fuck. Imagine having had that guy over for Thanksgiving.